How I Got Here

another day and another attack and more sadness. my heart goes to the people of Nice. it's unimaginable. i've had the below post written for a while now and had it set to go for today but wanted to acknowledge what happened last night first.

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ok, mr. r will think i'm nuts but i'm about to get personal - more personal than i ever thought i would - and tell the story of how and why this blog came to be. until now there's probably still only a handful of people who know the real story but it feels good, cathartic really, to be able to tell it nearly six years since my very first post. so here goes. (warning - this is a long one!!)

back in 2010 we were in the midst of an awful struggle with fertility. we started trying to have a baby in the summer of 2008 but miscarriage after miscarriage meant still no baby two years later. i was in a dark place and frankly very depressed. i was also deeply private about my struggle as many people are. outside of my immediate family, there were about 5 friends who knew. infertility is extremely isolating. it's debilitating. and it isn't something i would wish on anyone. my therapist compared it to cancer and while it's on a completely different level than cancer, some of the effects are similar.

for those who have gone through a similar struggle, this may sound familiar. i started the bad habit of rounding up all of the terrible things i had done in my life - mean things i had said or even just thought, the times i had cheated or lied, and on and on - to try to justify why this was happening to me, an overall healthy, young woman. i shut out everything and everyone remotely related to pregnancy or babies. the sight of a stroller would send me reeling and i stayed completely away from facebook. during the day i would manage to eek by, burying my head in my work at my office job. i strangely had some of my best job performance during that time because i was so desperate, and thankful, for the distraction. but when there was nothing to distract me, the bad thoughts would consume me. night time was particularly tough and i was scared to be alone with those thoughts.

so i started a blog. i had recently begun reading other blogs and it was cool - blogs were a newer thing and the pressure was off. i didn't have to tell anyone about it if i didn't want to and it felt almost anonymous. plus i was writing about frivolous stuff like shoes and sofas so really who cared! when i explained it to friends and family i was able to write it off as a new passion but that wasn't really the truth. the funny part though is that it became the truth.

we had more struggles but i continued to use the blog as an escape. and in doing so i learned so much! like what i even wanted to write about on a daily basis. my first post was about a pair of high heels because after all i had named my blog "view from my heels" (back in 2010 when naming your blog was the "in" thing to do!). a whole new world of interior design opened up to me and the more i poked around, the more interested i became. i started trying out little projects at home and posting about the progress. friends started asking me for advice on things here and there. it was far from taking off but i felt like there was a purpose. and then in the summer of 2011 there was that wonderful day when i posted that we were expecting twins. and no, twins don't run in my family if you catch my drift. ;)

i eventually went on bedrest and kept posting to keep sane! and then the nursery became a great opportunity to start a project completely from scratch and was the first time that i had professional photos taken of a space. after the boys were born i almost stopped blogging all together but one day a friend said that she missed my posts (which was fairly shocking to me!) and it gave me a renewed interest. over the years i've posted more and i've posted less but it's always a place to come to collect my thoughts or even still just escape!

so in a very weird, twisted way i'm grateful for that time when i needed to escape because without it i'm not sure i would have fully realized my passion; a passion that has now turned into a fun little business for me that i truly love. so there's my story! and if you've made it this far - thank you! xo